knowing when to let go.........

It indeed was a tough struggle; it almost became an obsession, a need to make it work. I felt I could make things better through my own effort alone, oh! How I had this desire to make it work, each nite had me thinking of what I would do should it all come to an end.

I didn’t mind compromising my standard, principles and belief, it became a battle in which losing wasn’t considered an option. I became a shadow of myself, a living corpse, I was fading gradually yet I wasn’t bothered, my only concern was to win the battle at hand.

I made all the sacrifice there was to be made, I made all the calls, I had to swallow by pride and flush it down my throat all in the struggle to keep the man I thought I would die should he end the relationship !

I felt this relationship was made in heaven, oh! How i relished the little attention he throws my way each time he deemed it fit to do so. It was at this time that I made my close friends and associates my confidante, it was I that was always seeking advice for my non existent and anonymous friend, it became an obsession instead of love, I fell out of love with him without knowing, the love I felt was replaced by an obsession to have him to myself in the course of which I suffered dearly.

I was always looking for avenues and opportunities to bring up relationship questions, I went in search of relationship books and it was at this time that I realized that most of those books are filled with unrealistic ways of getting a man to love you. I was always first to ask – is anything wrong with me being the one to call my boyfriend? It’s okay to compromise a lot because you are in love right? Always too anxious to pose the question, how healthy it is to call up your man every now and then because he claims he dose not have the money or time to buy a recharge card? And somehow I managed to get an answer that suits me, the answers I always wanted to get, yes its okay, yes there is nothing wrong with it and all that.
This is the same guy that comes to tell me how low on cash he was at the moment because he was trying to complete his structure (building) within a given time frame; it’s the same guy that tells you how he has spent all his up front allowance to buy a new car. I began to wonder if indeed something was wrong with me, I actually drew conclusion that something was wrong with me or if not why can’t this guy spare some few nairas to recharge his phone so he can call me let alone buy me gifts?. Its seem to be impossible to call my man and have him pick up at odd hours because he never was ‘around’ his phones, I could never get him on his mobile phones some days or weekends because he was either too busy or had to leave town on official trip on short notice. I go to visit him and he instructs me not to wonder far from the house because his uncle lived close by? Wasn’t it crazy? But really its true, its this same my man that goes to see his uncle who leaves close by while I remain at home because its rude to take me along on his numerous visits to his uncles, why don’t u wait till we do a proper introduction?

How I longed for him to pick up his phone and call me at least once in two days, how I longed for him to pick up my calls when I called him at odd hours, how I longed for him to call me those days that I refused calling because I was getting tired of being the one to always call. It dawned on me that I was struggling to keep that relationship, I was practically carrying it on my head to avoid the inevitable end, this man that can’t waste his time returning my calls when my credit goes off amid discussion surely uses his time and credits on someone he wants and loves and surely that person wasn’t me.

When the end finally came through no fault of mine, I wept like a baby, I begged, I cajoled, I threatened, I pleaded, oh how I always cried myself to sleep for the first one week. The most painful part of it all was that this man won’t or couldn’t tell me what I had done to make him dump me.

But I moved on with my life with a big determination to be happy, I threw myself into my studies, I read like I had never done before, I took part in all social activities just to ‘forget’, my job became my companion, the bible my regular novel. I purged my mind with all the positive reasons I had to let go of the ‘past’ and be happy. It was at this time that I created a new identity for myself, I developed a new attitude to life, I became a “ if he can’t do all the running and struggling then he is not ready to have me” kind of person, I realized and then tutored myself to always hold back something for myself, I told myself I wasn’t going to give more than 30% in any relationship until the man gives 70% and then I can begin to chip more in until it attains a 50 : 50 balance on the scale.

Now that I had let go, I met an angel for a man, a man that worships the very floor I step on, a man that didn’t stop calling me after the first few weeks of the relationship, a man that didn’t see anything wrong in my calling at 12am or him calling a 3am to wake me to read for my exams, a man that isn’t tired to tell me how much he loves me, a man that displays me like his prized possession before his family. I began to think what it would have cost me had I not let go of that brute I called my boyfriend, it began to dawn on me that the longer I held on to that mess of a relationship I was in, the longer it would have taken me to meet this angel.
It’s now that I know what fun it is to be called up at odd hours by your love just to be appreciated and to have him call every now and then just to find out how I was doing.

Please, this piece was lifted from my diary, I can’t remember if it was I who found myself in that position, my friend or friend(s), or an acquaintance ( winks, I guess its my little secret ), but believe me its real and a lot of us find ourselves in such situation at one point or the other, men can also find themselves in this kind of situation where they have to struggle to keep a woman they believe means the world to them, a woman they believe they can’t have a normal life without.

The magic and only solution for this, is to let go, because its only when u do that u can meet that someone better, someone that will give u a new perception of the word love.
This should be applied in every areas of our lives, when you have struggled too much for something or someone, when u have worked to too hard for something and yet it refuses to yield positive result , please let go for something better to come into your life.

Watch out for my next post ACT THE BITCH and watch him run after you.

may 2008 led you to your utmost desires

Regards Ms. Emotions